25 ianuarie 2008

Tentative de umor cu circumstanţe agravante

Nici n-am apucat să fac până la capăt pe grozavul, scriind despre situaţiile în care era să mor (cu buricul de gât la naştere, înecat în bazin, gazat lângă sobă, strivit la New York în 2001, detonat în curte şi câte altele), că am primit pe loc un sac de mărturisiri, din care am înţeles cât de naiv am fost să mă consider un mare norocos. Alţii mi-au luat-o cu mult înainte. Inclusiv la umor. Involuntar. Bafta mea a fost să rămân în urmă şi să le citesc mărturisirile:

Tudor Bâc:
“Avorton (născut prematur la 6 luni), am supravieţuit, dar veşnic mă voi simţi aşa. Mamare mi-a improvizat în primele 10 luni un incubator în recamier, din sticle de lapte cu apă fiartă. Sora mea Luminiţa s-a stins subit la 3,5 ani de hepatită, lăsându-mi şi mie flagelul. De ea s-au ocupat mămica şi tăticu. De mine s-a ocupat bolnav doctorul. Ajuns în spital cu icter mecanic galben, am fost externat în casa părintească mai mult decedat, dar mi-a făcut fierturi şi m-a tăiat sub limbă ghicitoarea Tanti Mandrina Boaşe.”

Gheorghe Atodiresei:
“O ciutură mi-a dizlocat clavicula nu şi gâtul (tata umplea troaca de porci). De care din noi să fi avut grijă întâi? Îl înţeleg. Eu puteam mânca singur. Deşi copil, am eschivat la stânga când inelul de fier mi-a ocolit creştetul pe la dreapta. Am înţeles pe loc să mă dau deoparte. Apoi tata a pus cârlig de siguranţă la lanţ, dintre care era să cad de mai multe ori în fântână când trebuia să-i dau drumul. Copilărind la ţară, trăgeam cu săgeţi cu vârf din siringi ruginite, pe piept aveam zale din sac. Jocuri de-a balaurul şi Sf. Gheorghe. Eu (balaur) dădeam foc la gaz lampant luat în gură şi suflat. Răposatul frate-meu (Sf. Gh.) mă înţepa cu coasa. Alte răni: căzut pătulul peste noi (tăiat în joacă bulumaci de la bază). Mutat la oraş, jocuri cu pocnitori din fosfor şi cuie în asfaltul moale, vara. Plus apă şi carbid în ambalaje de tablă. La Şcoala 4 în părculeţ, explodam cartuşe oarbe la leagăn (unul cu plumb a ajuns în secretariat). La jocul Poarta castelului, ca pedeapsă eram luat de glezne-umeri şi folosit ca berbec în zid din alţi copii.”

David Turcu-Buzeşti:
“Surmenat de capitalismul de cumetrie (patronul mi-e cumătru cu contabilul-şef de la Trezorerie, eu angajat în divizia de pază), cad în anorexie la servici de Tăierea Împrejur a Domnului (Sf. Vasile, mic chef după tura de revelion) şi ies din comă de Sf. Muceniţe Tatiana Diaconiţa şi Eutasia. Cumătrul nu mi-a scăzut zilele de comă din concediul legal.”

Eleodor Purcărea:
”Conduc bicicleta cu strabism. Accidente minore (căzături cu fractură de pelvis pe polei) şi contravenţii pe zebră călare (m-au prins că n-am descălecat pe trecere pietoni). De Florii, intrat involuntar în refugiu RATB din plexiglas. Trei copci. Seismul din 1986 m-a prins pe casă la ancorat antenă bulgari. M-a ţinut antena. 2003, în staţie, troleu garează greşit, calcă o colegă (îi dădusem prioritate) la 1,5 metri de mine. Remuşcări adânci.”

Ion Ciprian Manzilac:
“Depresie (copil picat la Veterinară al optulea sub linie), barbiturice, dezintoxicat cu lapte praf de soţie. Pareză (pomete drept strâmbat). Sechele grave şi azi, dar invizibile. Serviciul greu din industria uşoară (la filatură apoi la lipit tălpi cu înlocuitori), intoxicaţii cu prelandez rusesc şi inhalat viscoză precipitată. Cură la Siutghiol.”

Virgil Spermezeanu:
“Vizită la Moldoviţa de 1 Mai 1986 (iradiaţii de la Cernobâl), osteoporoză, silicoză. Salvat cu moare de varză şi nuci verzi. Câine de companie (cockăr spaniol) luat praf în urechi, apărut tumori maligne, răposat până la Sf. Mărie Mică.”

Ion Mihai Plăcintă:
“Am adormit în saună la Olăneşti. M-a scos fiul meu deshidratat şi plin de băşici. În armată, tot dormind, am uitat la fiert pe reşou din BCA cu rezistenţă improvizată slană, m-am sculat în fum negru-alb. Scăzuse apa. Îmi place gras, sărat şi pipă. Ulcer perforat precoce, aritmie, amputat labă dreaptă până la genunchi. Datorită domnului doctor Ionaşcu, şi azi mă bucur de o bătrâneţe frumoasă. Mulţumesc, doctore!”

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Hai să-ţi mai povestesc încă una:
La Gura Humorului, un coleg de meserie, ing. Emilian Lup, îmi povestea următoarea întîmplare adevărată (era prin 1967):
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Dar, surpriză!, a două zi soseşte maică-mea, plîngînd:
- Bine că eşti în viaţă , copilul meu! Acum zece ani am visat că de Sfînta Marie (peste exact zece ani) am să te pierd. Nici nu poţi să-ţi închipui cît am pătimit în aceşti zece ani! Azi, calvarul meu a luat sfîrşit! Îţi mulţumesc, Doamne!
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Dragă Andrei,
Te rog citeşte:
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şi:
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Hai să colaborăm!
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